Thursday, December 3, 2009

angels

My angel is sleeping. Before she was born I knew that she was an angel sent here to save me. I have often asked why me. Why did she agree to come here and make me her mother? She could have gone to a happy home, with a white fence and a dog. She could have gone to a home with two loving parents who love each other. She could have had so much more and yet she chose me. When she could barley talk she told me that before she came to earth she told Jesus that’s the pretty mommy I want right there and he let her come to me. I knew she had to be telling the truth. When she was younger she often talked about being an angel but she chose to come to earth and be with me. I’ve always accepted that she was exactly what she said she was an angel. Her name was either going to be Gabriel, or Seraphim. How suiting, two angel names. Seraphim, a type of angel was spoken of in the bible. I have no doubt that for whatever reason this angel was given to me as a protector. The moonlight is coming through the small window to our basement bedroom. The way the light shines on her face gives her an angelic glow. Her face is so perfect. The house is nearly silent other than the space heater next to our bed. I turn it off so I can hear her breath. There is something so calming and peaceful about watching her sleep. I often find myself watching her sleep. She sleeps so soundly that she never notices when I run my fingers gingerly through her soft blond curls. How is it that something so perfect is part of these circumstances that are so far from perfection. It seems almost unfair that this angel is part of my life, part of my world. Looking at her like this is the only time I allow myself to weep. I cry for her loss, cry for her pain, and cry for having caused her so many trials. She is so young and yet has had to endure so much. She has had to grow up so fast. Sometimes I forget that she is a small child, one with dreams and hope, one who still believes in something more. It’s perfect moments of peace like this that get me through the tuff moments of my days. It’s a perfect moment where all the wrong and heartache cease. Sometimes I think that if I look at her long enough, and stay close that some of her hope and light will rub off. Tonight as we held each other and prayed, I was almost taken back by her sincere concern for me. Why should this child, my angel have to worry about me. Should she be worrying about which toy she wants to sleep with or what cartoon she wants to watch in the morning? Instead she prays that I’ll find a job, that I’ll finish my game, and that she can go to the right church since her father refuses to take her, and forces her even when she protests to go to another church. She ended her prayer thanking God for me, for me taking care of her, and for me storing food so that we had some even though we don’t have much money. Nothing slips past her, she pick up on everything. I am sad that she thinks she has to take care of me and worry about money or where the food is coming from. She’s just a baby, just a small child and yet she is wise beyond her years. Seraphim has an old soul. She doesn’t seem to mind hanging out with mom, or reading with mom. That means more to me then she’ll ever know. We are each other’s best friend. She asks me all these questions about life, about hurting, about trials. Since when does a 7 year old have trials? Is it because of me that she has trials or even knows what they are? I believe that she has a special soul, one that is wise beyond its years. When I lose hope, she reminds me. She such a strong belief in prayer, she has such a perfect faith; I never knew that was possible from a child. By nature she is always concerned with those around her. She evaluates their moods. She is soft hearted and sensitive. This perfection, it almost scares me. I worry that someone so close to perfect, will be taken from me, taken from this life. I’ve never believed that I deserved her, but I always have known I needed her. She has given me so much, I only pray that I can give her something back, more than just the love of my whole heart. I hope she remembers who taught her how to laugh, taught her how to love, and taught her how to forgive. I guess these things I’m teaching her now have only come from a life full of trials. I think I can only teach her how to really forgive because I have had to forgive the unforgivable. I can teach her how to love because I have felt the Savior’s love when I didn’t deserve it and I have learned to love even when they don’t love me. I am able to laugh even when I want to cry. That’s what I can give her. She is easy to love, who wouldn’t love an angel. I know she is the best part of me. Even in the darkness of this night, I can see her light. Do you believe in guardian angels? I do. Seraphim has talked about the people she came to help. I was one of those blessed mortals to be visited by an angel. Her heart is so amazingly big. I wish moments like this could last forever that I could always remember her for who she really is. I think that there are so many other angels among us. If we treated people like that’s who they were, perhaps we’d start to recognize those qualities in them. Sometimes in moments like this I forget about the trials outside, the heartache, the bills, everything. I think losing everything makes me feel like I have everything. I have an angel with me, living with me, loving me. I have more that I could ever ask for, and surviving this life, and enduring so that I can be with her forever, that’s what matters to me right now, that’s what keeps me going. That’s what makes life worth it; know that there is more to it after this. Kiss your angels, thank God for allowing them to be in your life, and remember what Seraphim has taught me. There is hope, anything is possible. Hearts can be healed, people can soften, life will go one, God loves you, and you can change, you can be better than your circumstances, and stand up and be more. Love you all xoxo Laura

3 comments:

Angela said...

Laura,
You should write books! Your posts are always so tender.
How are you and Sera? We miss you. The girls miss Sera. Did you get the package we sent Sera for Christmas? Hugs to both of you and tell Sera Happy Belated Birthday!!
Love, Angela

Laura said...

Hey, we lost your phone number..... The Skirt was so cute i have some pictures from christmas day of her in it that I'd love to post and funny you say that. I've been working on a couple of books. My new Cell number is 8017102262, call any time. Kiss the kids from me. Sera is getting baptized on the 20th of February. We miss you guys so much. Sorry we havn't kept in better touch, the last few months have been almost a blur... We love you xoxo Laura

Laura said...

and Seraphim